Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
