Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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