Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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