My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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