How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
