i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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