I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
