He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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