you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
