Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
