Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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