dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
