Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm both gender and math confused
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
