u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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