I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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