On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
