Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
