I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
