I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
