I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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