Cold hands, warm shart.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
