dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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