sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
