Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
