I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
