After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
