life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
