"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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