i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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