she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
