we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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