I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
