can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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