I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
