If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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