I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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