My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
