i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
