I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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