come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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