life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize