I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The ass gains better be worth it
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