I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Randomize
