Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
