My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
