Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
