So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
