is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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