If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
