What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Congratulations! We have a period
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
