Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
