So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The air taste purple.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
