apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
This is classic penis vs brain.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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