she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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