remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
