dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
