I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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