The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
