Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
