apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
