Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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