Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
